more light #293
Dealing with Derogatory Comments
by Ed Halpaus
Grand Lodge Education Officer
Grand Lodge of A. F. & A. M. of Minnesota
Another LEO message that I think will be of interest to Masons from
Brother and Dr. Stanley Shapiro. Brother Stan is a retired psychiatrist, and the
LEO if Albert Pike Lodge in Hopkins, Minnesota.
By Stanley Shapiro, Lodge Education Officer
As Masons, how do we deal with derogatory comments about others and
ourselves?
Because we are human and make mistakes, we don’t always handle these comments
well. Ideally, we judge each person charitably and use our best efforts to find
a kind explanation for what appear to be negative comments no matter how
suspicious we are of their motives.
There are many examples of derogatory comments. Sometimes the facts are false
and the comments are told to put down another person. In other situations the
facts are true, but told for no positive purpose. An example of a positive
purpose: “Be careful if you are considering buying anything from Tim. He has
been convicted of embezzlement three times.” An example of negative purpose (if
it is merely tale telling): “Did you hear what he said about you”?
Often derogatory remarks are made accompanied with strong negative emotions
such as anger or appear when we thought we had in the past favorably worked
through the situation with the other person. When either of those is present, it
is difficult but not impossible to respond without getting into an argument or
damaging the self-esteem of either or both people.
Ideally we consider several things before judging negatively.
1. How are you thinking and feeling in response to what was said and what
does that tell you
about yourself?
2. Have you or the person misperceived what happened? Are the details
correct?
3. Did the person not think before they acted? Did the person intend harm?
4. Do you know the assumptions behind the person’s comments?
5. Were they under stress or in physical or emotional pain?
As Masons we are admonished to deal with each other on the level. When
dealing with a negative remark in an equal relationship, clarify if you heard
correctly what was said and then ask, “What prompted you to say that” or “How
did you expect me to react to what you said?” Asking this type of question may
help you (and perhaps the other person) to understand some of the above
questions. Do not preface a question with “why” because the receiver may feel
blamed. Also, you may try to tell them about how you are feeling in response to
their comments (not what you are thinking because that can lead to an argument
and blame). If that doesn’t stop them, sometimes changing the subject will. If
we believe we are being treated as an unequal in a relationship, we are most
likely not able to ask these questions or change the subject. That makes it more
difficult but not impossible to consider if any of the above questions could
explain the derogatory comment and thus help us judge the other person
charitably.
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